winter break thus far

I have immersed myself in Dexter episodes. It's like crack... but then again, I wouldn't know what being addicted to cocaine would be like, so I don't know what I'm talking about.

Oh, and I watched The Royal Tenenbaums for the first time the other night, and I absolutely adored it. Total indie flick with legit music. I loved the music. And Margot Tenenbaum. She is someone I would like to be friends with. Most definitely.

Anyway... It's only been a week of break... and I'm taking full advantage of each moment to be lazy and not have to worry about any project or assignment. I literally stay in my pajamas for the whole day, watch Dexter or movies... And my hygiene may be questionable. There may be a day where I didn't brush my teeth... Maybe.

Beneath these many, heavy layers... there are answers.

calamity

It's been a really hard week so far.

There's SOOOO much work to be done. I feel like it never ends.

I'm outside of my home instead of taking my finals at school because I've locked myself out... and the locksmith is over an hour late.

Last night, I had some family issues that have really helped me to realize just how numb that I've become. It's kinda scary.

I haven't been doing devos.

I think it's making everything that much harder.

Jesus. I need your grace. More of your grace.

!

Sleepless nights.

Neck deep in work.

Stress a bounty.

Frantically rushing.

Weeping.

Confused states of zoning out.

Moments of giving in to sleep.

Let the finals...

Begin.

UPDATE

I have watched A Walk to Remember twice while working on projects today.

I never tire of that movie. Freaking love.

I know this is weird, but I get so sad knowing that Landon Carter isn't real. Their love is all an act. Shane West is actually a weirdo rocker who likes mohawks (nothing against that), eye liner, and black nail polish. :( I'm in love with Landon Carter, not Shane West.

Cheesiest lines of the movie:

"I'm afraid of not being with you... Oh baby, that'll never happen." GAG

"I might kiss you... I might be bad at it... That's... not possible." What does that even mean?

"It's like you were sent to me to help me get through all of this... You're my angel." Cheese cheese cheese

I think I like the cheese. :)

Meanwhile, I have two weird red shapes on each of my cheeks right around the same areas. My blood vessels have popped in those areas. I realized that they were from yesterday when I was pinching my cheeks trying to stay awake during service.

I feel like I'm a climber scaling the mountain for its height... estimating how much I'll have to climb... I'm guessing how much work I'm going to have to do this week... my eyes are still climbing up that mountain... and it's a huge mountain.

Do I even make any sense right now?

nom

Sore throat. Constant coughing. Procrastination. Homework. Ugh.

Random urge to bake. Look through cabinets. Surprisingly had all the ingredients for oatmeal cookies.

Eggs. Flour. Sugar. Vanilla. Cinnamon. Oats. Buttahh, lots of it. Baking soda. Craisins.

350 degrees F. 15 minutes.

Crisp edges. Fluffy, cakey innards. Damn, I'm good. Oh wait, not my recipe. Right.

I feel like I'm going to cough up my intestines every time I have a coughing fit.

Nobody cares.

Tomorrow: "0 comments"

Day after: "0 comments"

Next day: "Anonymous: Nobody cares."

Holy Nyquil. Knock me out, knock me out, knock me out. Hayuuullll yeah.

Goodbye, cruel world.

/

Be real with others, and they'll be real with you.

Don't try to be someone you're not... How else will anyone ever get to know you?

Be comfortable and confident in who you are.

Love yourself... You are worth more than you think.

g'dammit

Skipped school twice this week because I was "sick"... I really was sick, but not sick enough to miss school. I spent that time finishing an essay I had 14 weeks to work on. Sick.

Stuffing. I like stuffing. With raisins.

I like sweet potatoes. A lot.

Seafoam. I'm really into that color lately. Black and gold, black and navy blue, all white, grey, coral, sequins, leopard print, leather, chunky knits... I die.

Mary-Kate and Ashley! I miss their style via 2007 and 2008. They're too granny now.

Jen Brill. That girl is gawwwgeous.

The celebrity that triggered my pink Converse fetish. I love love love Kirsten Dunst. (Shhh, I copy many of Kirsten's looks). Natalie Portman, Kirsten Dunst, and Keira Knightley... the Holy Trinity.

Ummm... Yay for randomness?

hm

My official review of The Twilight Saga: New Moon.

All in all, I enjoyed it. HELLA better than Twilight, ugh... Twilight... terrible, terrible.

Anywho. I LIKED IT. New Moon, I'm sure, had a bigger budget because of the noticeably huge fanbase of love-hungry, hormonal teenage girls and love-hungry, hormonal middle-aged women. So the make-up, lighting, and special effects of the film were definitely improved.

Even the acting was better... I guess someone told Rob and Kristen that awkward silences and stuttering aren't methods of good acting. Except for Kristen's blinking. That girlie blinked me to death throughout the movie... STOP EFFING BLINKING SO EFFING MUCH. IT'S REALLY ANNOYING. REALLY.

I gagged at the Edward "You're the only reason for me to live" scenes... and there were many. Gag here, gag there, gag everywhere. I realized that music really makes the movie... and when they exchanged saliva without music during the scene... it was super awkward. I kept repeating, "Doo doo doo doo dooooo..." in my mind. I think it's because they kiss so often.. unnecessarily.

And this has nothing to do with the movie but I really don't like Bella Swan. She loves BOTH Jacob Black and Edward Cullen. Who do you think you are?! If you loved Edward that much, how could you also love Jacob?!!

Man, I've only been complaining about New Moon.. Some good stuff...

The werewolves were awesome. The action scenes were awesome. Alice Cullen is awesome. Jacob's body... awesome. The shirt came off and helllooooooo. That itself made the movie worth watching.. Yes, I'm included in the fanbase of love-hungry, hormonal teenage girls.

Would I recommend it for others to watch? Only if you read the series. I think that's another reason why I appreciated the movie... because I like to test the movie's trueness to the book... and true to the book it was. :)

So Twilight fans, GO WATCH IT. Except you probably didn't need me to tell you that, did'ja? Are there even any Twilight fans among my 6 followers?

JULIE. Julie Ryu. Watch it.

Oh, delirium.

.

God, aren't you disgusted by me? Don't I repulse you?

It's okay if You are...

I disgust myself.

har dee har har

I felt like sharing this.

So my mom and I are just lazying around after dinner, watching TV... and we go into our usual tickle fight. Yes, I am unashamed to say that my mom and I have tickle fights. And I ended up making her laugh really, really hard...

Mom: "(Laughing)... 쪼끔 피 했어...

AHAHAHAHAHA.... Ahahahahaaaaaaaa.

Yeah, you had to be there.

I think I laugh-pee more often than I should...

wow

Rest in peace, Daul Kim.

ode to randomity

I feel kinda weird posting entries so often... Everyone else posts like... every month. Hah.

I just get these urges to write unnecessary, incomprehensible crap.

But I bet you guys secretly appreciate it. When you see a new blog post, you probably get all excited because someone updated. At least that's how I feel.

Okay... Never mind.

I'm writing in my Principles of Design class... How do I get away with using my computer in a drawing/design class? My teacher's like a drunk Ms. Frizzle. YES. From the Magic School Bus! Remember? :) Down to the frizzy, red hair styled in a bun. Heehee. I think one of the best things she's said is, "I like to drink a lot of water... Not many colored liquids. Just water... and vodka.".

Haha I know, right?

I gave Glee another chance last night... and I ended up really enjoying it. Not looking forward to the "I TOLD YOU SO!"'s I'm going to be bombarded with.

I'm down for some curly fries and an oreo milkshake right now. Salivation.

But Greek food sounds so bomb, too. Omg omg omg. Falafel. Unnnngghhhh.

I think my biggest fears are rejection, being mediocre, and disappointing everyone.

I just had the greatest hamburger with the greatest sweet potato fries at the Counter. Veggie burger, grilled onions, and caramelized onion marmalade. Hooohhhh myyyy.

Okay, I'll cease with the food talk.

Oh, and the waiter was so so so cute. All I know is that his name was Chris... and I boldly wrote "You're so cute." on the check. I normally would never do that.

Trident layer gum is yummy.

Oh, and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is HILARIOUS. HAHA. Loves it.

Okay. Later blogspot.

hominah hominah

I've missed two classes because I didn't have my sh*t together. (I don't swear, but sometimes bad words make your sentences sound better, don't they?) It's not my fault. I was infected with Procrastinationitis unwillingly... Oh, never heard of it? It's actually pretty common. You probably have it yourself, friend.

... Anywho. So, here I am at work... in the Admissions office at my school.........
Answering phones... and whatnot...

................................

The desk I'm at faces the wall of drawings that have been hung up to show off the talent and skill of Otis students. Yes... that wall. My works going to make it on that wall, dammit.

Some things I miss...

Theme song of the Day - "All By Myself" by Eric Carmen

only hope

A Walk To Remember is one of my top 3 fave movies. It's honestly not the greatest movie... Mandy cannot act, the storyline is cliche, and most of the lines are so cheesy... but I love it. I love the feelings I experience when I watch the movie... I love imagining a Landon Carter in my life.

Oh, jeez.

I'm a young, hormonal 18-year old girl! Doesn't that justify my desires of wanting a relationship like theirs?!

No... no, it does not. :( I know better. This is just... not of God. It's emotional lust. It's seeking love to please myself, to fill the areas of my heart where I'm in desperate need of SOMETHING.

Oh, jeez.

God is better than any Landon Carter. But... it would still be nice to meet one. :)

falalalala

'tis the season to be jolly....

CHRISTMAS IS COMING, CHRISTMAS IS COMING!

- baby Jesus

- gingerbread

- anything pumpkin

- turkey

- mashed potatoes and stuffing

- presents

- cheer and good company

- toasty blankets and cocoa

- winter coats and scarves

- Christmas decorations on the streets and in the mall

- cheesy Christmas movies (i.e. Jingle All The Way, Love Actually (not so cheesy), Elf (not cheesy at all, actually awesome))

- Christmas songs - esp. from Nat King Cole, Sinatra, and Louis Armstrong

- white

- candy canes

- Santa

Excitement.

all you need is...

Lately, I've been really dwelling on the past. I've been looking at old photos, reading old letters, and just replaying memories in my mind. There were so many good times with people... and I realized that I really don't like change. Change is scary. I look at new pictures of my friends with their new lives, and I feel this drop in me. I feel like they've forgotten me, that I'm stuck in the old, and that they're moving on. I guess I'm really insecure.

I know that I've changed, too. I think that thinking about the past and wishing things were the same has really stunted me from growing and deepening new relationships. At a certain point, you just have to move on. Moving on isn't necessarily a bad thing. They're still my friends... but because of our circumstances, we've just drifted apart. But new people have drifted in. They're not replacing, no, but new relationships have so much potential to be something great. I feel like I'm waiting, I don't know for what, but I'm waiting for my old friends to come back... and that everything will be the same. So, I withdraw from new relationships... I "save" the true me for the friends I've known longer. But in actuality, we've changed, and it'll probably never be what it once was.

Let go. I need to let go. I need to love the ones around me. It's wrong of me to pick and choose who I love. Relationships take effort on both parties, and if I'm refusing to pour into a relationship, then it'll never last. Just love the people God has placed in your life right now. Love, love, love, love.

It's funny because although I hate change, I love transformation in God. He makes all things new... I like that. Not change. I guess I'm a boring person.

virgin suicides

I can never get sick of this movie... so beautiful. Sofia Coppola, brilliant.

"We knew that the girls were really women in disguise, that they understood love, and even death, and that our job was merely to create the noise that seemed to fascinate them."

*

have you ever been lonely even though you're surrounded by people?

that you had to smile, laugh, exude happiness just to make sure people will like you?

that you looked at other people with their friends and realized you don't have any real ones?

that even though you hug, hold, touch people, there's still a wall that you feel between yourself and others?

creep.

I hate that your smile is so dang cute. It makes me smile just seeing yours.

I hate that you're so funny. You can always make me laugh.

I hate that you can man up. It makes me think that you're so manly and muh shee ssuh.

I hate that you're considerate. It makes me think that you're sweet.

I hate that whenever we're surrounded by people, I only feel like you're in the room.

I hate that you cross my mind almost every day.

I hate that I thought I got over these feelings, but they're just now re-emerging.

And I especially hate that a fat chunk of my heart is yours, because I want to give all of it to God.

Frustration.

geez

So I was reading my previous post... and I realized how depressing it was. WHAT AN EMO POST. HAHAHAHA. Oh, Jane B.

How fickle people are. I'm so led by my emotions... it's so blinding.

Some things I'm just missing at the moment...

1. Friends MY age. Freak. I barely have any. They've all left me! :( I miss hanging out with peers my own age. ALL BY MYSELLLFFFFFFFFFFFF.

2. LONG HAIR. I've probably said this a million times already, but I cannot get over it. I stinkin'. miss. long. hair.

3. Time. I miss having an open schedule to hang out with people or do my own thang. School makes me so dang busy. Plus Promiseland. It's a good and bad thing for me... But it WOULD be nice to have some extra time during the weeks.

4. Youth Group! I miss thee! I miss praise team! I miss it alllll ahhhh.

5. The Valley. I hate living in LA, goodnesss. The traffic, people, Ktown, illegal immigrants looking for work, pollution, crazies... It's a mad world here.

I like to complain. I like to whine.

/

I used to hate crying.

Crying meant weakness...

That you were a pansy little baby who wasn't strong enough to hold it all back. And then, as I got older... More and more reasons to cry came along, overwhelmingly. Still, I refused to let anyone see me in a moment so vulnerable... Because when you cry, you're in a state of such intense emotion.

So I always cried falling asleep. Lying there, facing the wall, silently sobbing... Tears streaming, biting on my lips to conceal any noise...

I hate seeing other people cry.

Watching them cry, I realized that I couldn't say or do anything to relieve them of why they were in tears. Especially my mom. I can't stand to watch her cry because of that reason.

Because I'm just there... and she's crying crying crying. And I'm just there.

I'm not ashamed to cry anymore. I'm human, so I feel things. Crying is an expression of joy, anger, sorrow... and many other emotions.

The other day... I had a damn good crying session.

You know those cries, when you feel that burn so raw in the core of your chest? When everything's so overwhelming, and you can't breathe anymore, and wails are uncontrollably leaving your mouth, and snot's just all over your face...

I felt really... alive. I've realized that I've been an empty shell of a person lately, and everything's just been routine. School, home, church, home. And as I shut myself off, my spirit also gave up. I've lost hunger. I've become numb. I've lost any will to be a part of anything, really. So as I wailed with that pain in the pit of my being, I was thankful that I was feeling anything at all.

My mom always says... Cry only when you're really hurt, or when I die. And if you must cry, don't cry alone.

I couldn't cry alone even if I tried anymore.

you can't lose something you never had

I have no idea what is going on, and what I'm doing......

I'm probably going to laugh about everything later on.... but that's the thing... it's only LATER on that this will all seem pretty damn funny.

So for now, it's just gotta be suffering and suppressing things.

They were in my hands... and I felt them slowly slipping through my fingers.

And then they were gone.

how dramatic and ambiguous of me to post something like this up.

settling

Oh my goodness. I forgot how tiring moving was. I don't even want to describe the process... too much! Too much!

Anyway. School starts in... 4 EFFING DAYSSS. It still hasn't hit me yet.... Nope.

I feel so far away from home. I still feel like the Valley is my home. In my heart, it forever will be. I have to drive locally still, since my mom doesn't trust me on the freeway yet (tear), so it takes quiet awhile to get to church. Sigh.

Plus, EVERYONE lives in the valley... so I won't be able to hang out with them as much. Okay, sorry for whining and complaining in this entry. I just need to vent.

On the plus side, I do like where I'm living...... aside from the fact that I live under a rage-o-holic, wife-beating druggie. Seriously... God. He needs help.

I received this book from a good friend as a graduation present... and I kinda laid it aside for awhile and never took the time to really read it. They're like... love letters from God to His princesses. Each page is a new love letter and addresses different things like body image, finding our worth in Him, surrendering to His will, relationships, etc... and each page felt like it was written especially for me. Everything I'm struggling with and experiencing in life right now was addressed in this very beautiful book. God. You always make a way to touch my heart.

I find myself to be soooo unfaithful. I'm SO UNFAITHFUL. It breaks my heart to know that God, the epitome of the perfect love, still chooses to love love love me... and in response, I'm unfaithful and I give into my fleshly desires.

Then there's a part of me that just doesn't understand how He can still love me when He knows me better than I do? That He can look into the depths of my ugly, broken heart, and still find beauty in it... I can't understand. That lack of understanding prevents me from fully accepting the love that He freely gives.

"I, your King, stand outside the door of your heart and knock. I see you locked up in your private place of pain, but I won't force My way in. I will continue to wait patiently outside until you're ready to let Me come in. I long to hold you in My arms, wipe away your tears, and tenderly encourage you with My love and truth. I will continue to knock even when you turn a deaf ear. I won't stop calling to you from outside the door of your prison of pain. You do not have to answer, but I won't give up because I love you. I know your heart's cry is for the wholeness and healing that only I can bring. It's not too late, My princess. Today you can unlock the door in the darkened room of your heart and let Me come in. Like warm light and a gentle breeze, I will refresh and nourish your soul."

- His Princess, Love letters from Your King

Beautiful.

new season

I really feel like I'm entering a new season in my life. Starting college, moving, joining a new ministry... haircut!! People keep asking me if I'm excited... but truthfully, I'm more insecure, timid, and afraid than excited. I know it's because of my fear of change. I wish things would stay the same... but if they did, how would we all grow?
And oh my goshhh, I realized there's just so much freedom in college! I need to be more independent and make my own choices... it's scary without someone telling you what to do because you're just so used to it growing up. And obeying what other people tell you to do is just so much easier than having to make your own choices. When you screw up on your own, it's even more your fault since you made the choice... am I going somewhere with this?
Anyway... I feel so lost and overwhelmed sometimes. And I know it's crucial during these times in life that you rely on God.. but it's difficult because life is so blurry and chaotic right now, you only know what you see. I've been neglecting time with God, and it's been taking a toll on me. He's my rock, my foundation... and these feelings of being tossed around only prove that I don't believe it in my heart.
Trust in Him first. Believe that He provides, that He never fails, and that above all else His will be done. Realize this, then you will feel the comfort and security of His warm embrace.

God, my hope is in You.

:/

I don't know how to love.

I used to think I was good at loving people... FAILLLLLLLLLLL.
I am nowhere NEAR "good"... whatever that means.
As I evaluate my "love" for others and God... I've picked up on alot of:
- selfishness
- pride
- people-pleasing
People-pleasing... sick. You know, I used to think that was selflessness... but it's really all about pride. You please others so that they like YOU. So that YOU look good.
I've also become really good in making excuses. God, I'm so pathetic. Excuses to save my ass from looking like the ugly person that I am... which again ties to people-pleasing which ties to pride. It's all connected.
It's painful when God opens your eyes to these things... so good for you... but oh so agonizing.
When will it stop being about me, and all about Him?
When will I stop "loving" in vain, and actually start loving?
When will I ever begin to live in freedom? Freedom from fear of how I look, act, and of what people think of me.
I am undeserving of this perfect love.

Humble Beginnings...

Blogging.
There's a whollleee world of blogging out there... Food, fashion, health.
This blog is dedicated to my own private thoughts, ramblings, feelings, etc...

I've chosen the name "Unoriginal Originality" because... that's basically what I am.
I'm the combined efforts of everyone I've ever known...
How unoriginal.
But I am me.
So I am also original.

Unoriginal Originality....

Say what?