Crying meant weakness...
That you were a pansy little baby who wasn't strong enough to hold it all back. And then, as I got older... More and more reasons to cry came along, overwhelmingly. Still, I refused to let anyone see me in a moment so vulnerable... Because when you cry, you're in a state of such intense emotion.
So I always cried falling asleep. Lying there, facing the wall, silently sobbing... Tears streaming, biting on my lips to conceal any noise...
I hate seeing other people cry.
Watching them cry, I realized that I couldn't say or do anything to relieve them of why they were in tears. Especially my mom. I can't stand to watch her cry because of that reason.
Because I'm just there... and she's crying crying crying. And I'm just there.
I'm not ashamed to cry anymore. I'm human, so I feel things. Crying is an expression of joy, anger, sorrow... and many other emotions.
The other day... I had a damn good crying session.
You know those cries, when you feel that burn so raw in the core of your chest? When everything's so overwhelming, and you can't breathe anymore, and wails are uncontrollably leaving your mouth, and snot's just all over your face...
I felt really... alive. I've realized that I've been an empty shell of a person lately, and everything's just been routine. School, home, church, home. And as I shut myself off, my spirit also gave up. I've lost hunger. I've become numb. I've lost any will to be a part of anything, really. So as I wailed with that pain in the pit of my being, I was thankful that I was feeling anything at all.
My mom always says... Cry only when you're really hurt, or when I die. And if you must cry, don't cry alone.
I couldn't cry alone even if I tried anymore.
