you can't lose something you never had

I have no idea what is going on, and what I'm doing......

I'm probably going to laugh about everything later on.... but that's the thing... it's only LATER on that this will all seem pretty damn funny.

So for now, it's just gotta be suffering and suppressing things.

They were in my hands... and I felt them slowly slipping through my fingers.

And then they were gone.

how dramatic and ambiguous of me to post something like this up.

settling

Oh my goodness. I forgot how tiring moving was. I don't even want to describe the process... too much! Too much!

Anyway. School starts in... 4 EFFING DAYSSS. It still hasn't hit me yet.... Nope.

I feel so far away from home. I still feel like the Valley is my home. In my heart, it forever will be. I have to drive locally still, since my mom doesn't trust me on the freeway yet (tear), so it takes quiet awhile to get to church. Sigh.

Plus, EVERYONE lives in the valley... so I won't be able to hang out with them as much. Okay, sorry for whining and complaining in this entry. I just need to vent.

On the plus side, I do like where I'm living...... aside from the fact that I live under a rage-o-holic, wife-beating druggie. Seriously... God. He needs help.

I received this book from a good friend as a graduation present... and I kinda laid it aside for awhile and never took the time to really read it. They're like... love letters from God to His princesses. Each page is a new love letter and addresses different things like body image, finding our worth in Him, surrendering to His will, relationships, etc... and each page felt like it was written especially for me. Everything I'm struggling with and experiencing in life right now was addressed in this very beautiful book. God. You always make a way to touch my heart.

I find myself to be soooo unfaithful. I'm SO UNFAITHFUL. It breaks my heart to know that God, the epitome of the perfect love, still chooses to love love love me... and in response, I'm unfaithful and I give into my fleshly desires.

Then there's a part of me that just doesn't understand how He can still love me when He knows me better than I do? That He can look into the depths of my ugly, broken heart, and still find beauty in it... I can't understand. That lack of understanding prevents me from fully accepting the love that He freely gives.

"I, your King, stand outside the door of your heart and knock. I see you locked up in your private place of pain, but I won't force My way in. I will continue to wait patiently outside until you're ready to let Me come in. I long to hold you in My arms, wipe away your tears, and tenderly encourage you with My love and truth. I will continue to knock even when you turn a deaf ear. I won't stop calling to you from outside the door of your prison of pain. You do not have to answer, but I won't give up because I love you. I know your heart's cry is for the wholeness and healing that only I can bring. It's not too late, My princess. Today you can unlock the door in the darkened room of your heart and let Me come in. Like warm light and a gentle breeze, I will refresh and nourish your soul."

- His Princess, Love letters from Your King

Beautiful.

new season

I really feel like I'm entering a new season in my life. Starting college, moving, joining a new ministry... haircut!! People keep asking me if I'm excited... but truthfully, I'm more insecure, timid, and afraid than excited. I know it's because of my fear of change. I wish things would stay the same... but if they did, how would we all grow?
And oh my goshhh, I realized there's just so much freedom in college! I need to be more independent and make my own choices... it's scary without someone telling you what to do because you're just so used to it growing up. And obeying what other people tell you to do is just so much easier than having to make your own choices. When you screw up on your own, it's even more your fault since you made the choice... am I going somewhere with this?
Anyway... I feel so lost and overwhelmed sometimes. And I know it's crucial during these times in life that you rely on God.. but it's difficult because life is so blurry and chaotic right now, you only know what you see. I've been neglecting time with God, and it's been taking a toll on me. He's my rock, my foundation... and these feelings of being tossed around only prove that I don't believe it in my heart.
Trust in Him first. Believe that He provides, that He never fails, and that above all else His will be done. Realize this, then you will feel the comfort and security of His warm embrace.

God, my hope is in You.