virgin suicides

I can never get sick of this movie... so beautiful. Sofia Coppola, brilliant.

"We knew that the girls were really women in disguise, that they understood love, and even death, and that our job was merely to create the noise that seemed to fascinate them."

*

have you ever been lonely even though you're surrounded by people?

that you had to smile, laugh, exude happiness just to make sure people will like you?

that you looked at other people with their friends and realized you don't have any real ones?

that even though you hug, hold, touch people, there's still a wall that you feel between yourself and others?

creep.

I hate that your smile is so dang cute. It makes me smile just seeing yours.

I hate that you're so funny. You can always make me laugh.

I hate that you can man up. It makes me think that you're so manly and muh shee ssuh.

I hate that you're considerate. It makes me think that you're sweet.

I hate that whenever we're surrounded by people, I only feel like you're in the room.

I hate that you cross my mind almost every day.

I hate that I thought I got over these feelings, but they're just now re-emerging.

And I especially hate that a fat chunk of my heart is yours, because I want to give all of it to God.

Frustration.

geez

So I was reading my previous post... and I realized how depressing it was. WHAT AN EMO POST. HAHAHAHA. Oh, Jane B.

How fickle people are. I'm so led by my emotions... it's so blinding.

Some things I'm just missing at the moment...

1. Friends MY age. Freak. I barely have any. They've all left me! :( I miss hanging out with peers my own age. ALL BY MYSELLLFFFFFFFFFFFF.

2. LONG HAIR. I've probably said this a million times already, but I cannot get over it. I stinkin'. miss. long. hair.

3. Time. I miss having an open schedule to hang out with people or do my own thang. School makes me so dang busy. Plus Promiseland. It's a good and bad thing for me... But it WOULD be nice to have some extra time during the weeks.

4. Youth Group! I miss thee! I miss praise team! I miss it alllll ahhhh.

5. The Valley. I hate living in LA, goodnesss. The traffic, people, Ktown, illegal immigrants looking for work, pollution, crazies... It's a mad world here.

I like to complain. I like to whine.

/

I used to hate crying.

Crying meant weakness...

That you were a pansy little baby who wasn't strong enough to hold it all back. And then, as I got older... More and more reasons to cry came along, overwhelmingly. Still, I refused to let anyone see me in a moment so vulnerable... Because when you cry, you're in a state of such intense emotion.

So I always cried falling asleep. Lying there, facing the wall, silently sobbing... Tears streaming, biting on my lips to conceal any noise...

I hate seeing other people cry.

Watching them cry, I realized that I couldn't say or do anything to relieve them of why they were in tears. Especially my mom. I can't stand to watch her cry because of that reason.

Because I'm just there... and she's crying crying crying. And I'm just there.

I'm not ashamed to cry anymore. I'm human, so I feel things. Crying is an expression of joy, anger, sorrow... and many other emotions.

The other day... I had a damn good crying session.

You know those cries, when you feel that burn so raw in the core of your chest? When everything's so overwhelming, and you can't breathe anymore, and wails are uncontrollably leaving your mouth, and snot's just all over your face...

I felt really... alive. I've realized that I've been an empty shell of a person lately, and everything's just been routine. School, home, church, home. And as I shut myself off, my spirit also gave up. I've lost hunger. I've become numb. I've lost any will to be a part of anything, really. So as I wailed with that pain in the pit of my being, I was thankful that I was feeling anything at all.

My mom always says... Cry only when you're really hurt, or when I die. And if you must cry, don't cry alone.

I couldn't cry alone even if I tried anymore.

you can't lose something you never had

I have no idea what is going on, and what I'm doing......

I'm probably going to laugh about everything later on.... but that's the thing... it's only LATER on that this will all seem pretty damn funny.

So for now, it's just gotta be suffering and suppressing things.

They were in my hands... and I felt them slowly slipping through my fingers.

And then they were gone.

how dramatic and ambiguous of me to post something like this up.

settling

Oh my goodness. I forgot how tiring moving was. I don't even want to describe the process... too much! Too much!

Anyway. School starts in... 4 EFFING DAYSSS. It still hasn't hit me yet.... Nope.

I feel so far away from home. I still feel like the Valley is my home. In my heart, it forever will be. I have to drive locally still, since my mom doesn't trust me on the freeway yet (tear), so it takes quiet awhile to get to church. Sigh.

Plus, EVERYONE lives in the valley... so I won't be able to hang out with them as much. Okay, sorry for whining and complaining in this entry. I just need to vent.

On the plus side, I do like where I'm living...... aside from the fact that I live under a rage-o-holic, wife-beating druggie. Seriously... God. He needs help.

I received this book from a good friend as a graduation present... and I kinda laid it aside for awhile and never took the time to really read it. They're like... love letters from God to His princesses. Each page is a new love letter and addresses different things like body image, finding our worth in Him, surrendering to His will, relationships, etc... and each page felt like it was written especially for me. Everything I'm struggling with and experiencing in life right now was addressed in this very beautiful book. God. You always make a way to touch my heart.

I find myself to be soooo unfaithful. I'm SO UNFAITHFUL. It breaks my heart to know that God, the epitome of the perfect love, still chooses to love love love me... and in response, I'm unfaithful and I give into my fleshly desires.

Then there's a part of me that just doesn't understand how He can still love me when He knows me better than I do? That He can look into the depths of my ugly, broken heart, and still find beauty in it... I can't understand. That lack of understanding prevents me from fully accepting the love that He freely gives.

"I, your King, stand outside the door of your heart and knock. I see you locked up in your private place of pain, but I won't force My way in. I will continue to wait patiently outside until you're ready to let Me come in. I long to hold you in My arms, wipe away your tears, and tenderly encourage you with My love and truth. I will continue to knock even when you turn a deaf ear. I won't stop calling to you from outside the door of your prison of pain. You do not have to answer, but I won't give up because I love you. I know your heart's cry is for the wholeness and healing that only I can bring. It's not too late, My princess. Today you can unlock the door in the darkened room of your heart and let Me come in. Like warm light and a gentle breeze, I will refresh and nourish your soul."

- His Princess, Love letters from Your King

Beautiful.

new season

I really feel like I'm entering a new season in my life. Starting college, moving, joining a new ministry... haircut!! People keep asking me if I'm excited... but truthfully, I'm more insecure, timid, and afraid than excited. I know it's because of my fear of change. I wish things would stay the same... but if they did, how would we all grow?
And oh my goshhh, I realized there's just so much freedom in college! I need to be more independent and make my own choices... it's scary without someone telling you what to do because you're just so used to it growing up. And obeying what other people tell you to do is just so much easier than having to make your own choices. When you screw up on your own, it's even more your fault since you made the choice... am I going somewhere with this?
Anyway... I feel so lost and overwhelmed sometimes. And I know it's crucial during these times in life that you rely on God.. but it's difficult because life is so blurry and chaotic right now, you only know what you see. I've been neglecting time with God, and it's been taking a toll on me. He's my rock, my foundation... and these feelings of being tossed around only prove that I don't believe it in my heart.
Trust in Him first. Believe that He provides, that He never fails, and that above all else His will be done. Realize this, then you will feel the comfort and security of His warm embrace.

God, my hope is in You.

:/

I don't know how to love.

I used to think I was good at loving people... FAILLLLLLLLLLL.
I am nowhere NEAR "good"... whatever that means.
As I evaluate my "love" for others and God... I've picked up on alot of:
- selfishness
- pride
- people-pleasing
People-pleasing... sick. You know, I used to think that was selflessness... but it's really all about pride. You please others so that they like YOU. So that YOU look good.
I've also become really good in making excuses. God, I'm so pathetic. Excuses to save my ass from looking like the ugly person that I am... which again ties to people-pleasing which ties to pride. It's all connected.
It's painful when God opens your eyes to these things... so good for you... but oh so agonizing.
When will it stop being about me, and all about Him?
When will I stop "loving" in vain, and actually start loving?
When will I ever begin to live in freedom? Freedom from fear of how I look, act, and of what people think of me.
I am undeserving of this perfect love.

Humble Beginnings...

Blogging.
There's a whollleee world of blogging out there... Food, fashion, health.
This blog is dedicated to my own private thoughts, ramblings, feelings, etc...

I've chosen the name "Unoriginal Originality" because... that's basically what I am.
I'm the combined efforts of everyone I've ever known...
How unoriginal.
But I am me.
So I am also original.

Unoriginal Originality....

Say what?